PaulaFB-1Widow. The word conjures up images of frail little old ladies in long black dresses, adjusting veiled black hats with bony crooked fingers, red-rimmed eyes imploring the heavens above. I like to think of myself as the updated version, Widow 2.0. There’s no such thing as a typical widow. We arrived at different times in our lives with unique stories to tell, but the common denominator of widowhood is strong. Although you may feel alone – you’re not. 

After you’ve had your fill of widow casseroles – So sorry your husband’s gone, here eat this – feed your soul here on my blog, and join the journey. You’ll find the best books to read, other widow sites to visit, and helpful links. You’ll get support enduring widow angst and gut-wrenching grief, surviving survivor guilt and dealing with the bullshit barometer. After experiencing tragedy, you may find yourself incapable of bullshit and diplomacy – that’s OK, we get a free pass.

61 thoughts on “WELCOME

  1. My husband died in may from liver cancer. I would love to start a journal blog type thing. Where my loved ones can read the truth how its going. Facebook is not the place for this. You tend to hold back on things that make people uncomfortable. Any suggestions? Grief is hard work.

    • Judi,
      Thank you for such an honest question. I took care of my late husband who had diabetes and several other conditions for nine years until 2009. When you say you want others to know know you are doing, it sounds as if you think they want to know. Few people, especially Americans, are prepared to face, much less discuss death. How else might you get what you want from your relatives more directly?

  2. Thank you so much for sharing. My husband lost his life a little over a year ago to alcohol and like a lot of others left me to clean up the mess. I was never a jealous person and before this marriage I never really doubted or wanted to think that my partner would be cheating on me behind my back. I tried the ultimatums and failed with following them through. After his death I felt so released to come home and know that I wasn’t walking into a mess or a drunk. The guilt that I have now is overwhelming at times and even though I can look back and say to myself that I didn’t have a choice it still hurts. Others that know me tell me I did what I thought was best but when he got sick I did nothing but try to get him to a doctor. He refused and told me day after day he was fine. Surviving this marriage was a good thing but it doesn’t stop the guilt and questions. The hurt doesn’t go away and even with time it doesn’t stop the questions of what I did wrong or could have done differently. It was so good to stumble upon your story and see that I am not alone. Thank you so much for sharing.

  3. I’m very grateful and relieved to read your story tonight… My husband died of alcoholism almost a year ago and the pain is still so great… The guilt I feel every day, of wishing I could’ve done more still remains with me. He died in a hotel room with an empty bottle of vodka by his side, slumped over the bathtub – so shameful so sad. We did not know what caused his death until recently, as the toxicology report was pending… But I always knew. Now when people ask me I don’t know what to say I’m not even sure what to tell my children my 13-year-old son knows but how do you say that to an eight-year-old little girl? I’m hoping this is going to get easier in time. I lost him to alcohol about four or five years ago and it’s been a spiral downhill ever since it was so painful for so many years. And I did kick him out of the house. I let him hit rock bottom, with the deepest intention of him picking himself up and starting his recovery as there was nothing more I could do. What happened is he drank himself to death in a hotel room. I’m hoping the guilt will go away, and I will come to the place where I can absolve myself somehow, someway …. I know in my heart and head that it’s not my fault… It’s still at Haunts me… thank you for sharing

    • I am so glad that I tripped on this blog. This is EXACTLY my story, but it has been only 6 months since my husband died in a hotel room with a vodka bottle by his side and the toxicology report pending. I also kicked him out of the house in hopes that he would hit rock bottom and go back to treatment (he had been 4 times). I even had him sectioned by the court to treatmentment, but the treatment center saw him as very put together and someone with a job, so they let him go after only 10 days (when what he needed was long term treatment). I have older teens (16 and 18 when their dad died) and their grief is complicated, but they witnessed and understood what happened. They are able to talk about it and even joke about it at times. They have been truly amazing and are trying so hard to take care of me each in their own way. I would love to talk to you if that’s allowed (I don’t know how these blog things work). I go to a support group for family members of substance abusers that is fabulous, but no one else in the group has lost their husband and would understand the way that it sounds like you might.

  4. Anne and Allise,
    your stories are mine – the vodka, the lying, the shame. I am slowly taking baby steps to get back to some kind of normal. I am lucky to have family and friends who look after me, but the range of emotional turmoil I feel daily is sometimes so overwhelming. Even my cats are messed up. Hopefully time will help to heal us. We are members of a club we don’t want to be in. I am thinking of you…..stay strong

  5. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. it seems like we all have the same story and are left with the devastation. We are not alone and wish things could be different. keep talking and sharing your story…anne

  6. My husband took his life on June 8 and almost took mine with him. He also moved to his home office and drank in the basement. He had a job, a beautiful garden, two children, and two dogs that he loved. When confronted with a choice of us or vodka, he chose the vodka and then death. It was like living with Jekyll and Hyde. The straw that broke the camel’s back was picking him up from the police station after a DUI at 4 am. He told me the car was slightly dented. It was totaled. The cover up lying was another pathological facet.

  7. Someone from my Al Anon group forwarded me your NYT article. Thank you. My partner struggled to stay sober and 3 weeks ago he took his own life, leaving me to find him. As hard as I tried, I could not save him from himself. We were together for 7 years. I was afraid to marry him. The guilt is crushing. I’m so glad I am not alone.

    • Annie….I just read your comment from June 8th…..I feel like I wrote it….My partner struggled too and we were together for 9 years…..I never admitted it but I was afraid to marry him also…he took his life 6 weeks ago and I found him …..I have been going to Alanon for 3 weeks and find it very helpful but you are right the guilt is crushing. He left a 13yr old daughter that i helped raise for 9 years and now I see only once a week….I feel as I have lost both of them….and then there is his family……another story. We are not alone….although at times it feels that way…anne

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s